Monday, 5 August 2013

Picking at an old scab

Mostly, I am fine about being infertile, now. I no longer have that endless well of rage and frustration inside me.

I rolled my eyes and tutted about all the fuss about the royal baby not because any mention of him was like daggers through my heart, but because I was genuinely bored of it dominating the news headlines (I think if I was still going through IVF the palaver would have sent me over the edge).

I managed to lend maternity clothes to a friend without crying over them. I smile at other kids in the park. I am far more normal than I used to be.

Some things still hurt a little though:

Friends' second pregnancies, particularly the ones that arrive right on time. I'm more happy for them than I was when they were pregnant the first time - frankly, the first time I was a seething mass of resentment and pain. But I still feel a little stab that their life will pan out in an easier and more predictable manner than ours ever will.

  • My period. It's not a hurt, exactly. More that it just feels weird that it turns up every month, but my natural cycle is physically divorced from conception efforts. I mean, I'm kind of glad it is there as it gives us more options, but it just seems a bit... inefficient.

  •  Thinking about the babies that didn't make it and the sheer awfulness of some of the stuff that happened when I was doing treatment. I tend not to dwell on this as I am very lucky, but sometimes the memories pop into my head unbidden.

  • My parents' occasional weird comments about kids really enjoying being around other kids and only children being lonely. I don't know why they do this, given that they're completely opposed to me doing more IVF. 

  • Scan photos - Possibly the most common thing that takes me back to IF is when someone posts a scan photo on Facebook; perhaps that's because I've had innumerably more unpleasant, stressful scans than ones that were fine. They still have the power to make me wince, although mercifully, no-one has shown me on in person; although I did see a film with a short bit of in utero footage and found that really, really uncomfortable.

So, time has healed things a lot, as has the Boy. The scars have faded in the sun and are almost invisible to the casual observer. But they're still there, although I think I'm very fortunate that things have turned out the way they are.

What things make you think about IF?


  1. Maybe strictly speaking it is not IF that it makes me think about, but whenever I see twins, especially baby ones it is like a small needle in my heart. Makes me grateful that Suzy made it, and wince for her twin that didn't.

    And parents, I don't know, they can be weird that way. My mom keeps pointing out that one baby is so much easier than two. As if I should be glad, not sad about the vanished twin.
    They rub it in, don't they?

    (and thank you for reminding me to be grateful my period has not returned, I've gotten used to it the past umpteen months)

  2. I could have written this...Some things are still sore when it comes to IF, but mostly it is better now.

    What hurts is when people tell me that I'll get pregnant much easier the second time. Sure, some people do, but I'm not counting on it. And I'm not counting on getting pregnant with our one frozen embryo. Would it be wonderful, yes, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

    I also still have little twinges when I see pregnant woman. I would love to experience it again, but know full well that I most likely won't.

    Bleh, I guess all my thoughts are now on wanting a 2nd, but not thinking it will happen. I am truly in a much better place and totally thrilled with my little guy.

  3. Yes, I understand. In fact I'm about to post about some of the triggers, and how I feel about them.

    Also - the whole period thing really bugged me at first - why have them when they meant nothing in terms of fertility. Then I liked them because it meant at least in this way I was the same as other women my age, and so it didn't mean I was defective. Now I'm totally over them, and want them gone!

  4. I agree with you that Peanut has made the IF thing so much better, and I'm not as angry by second or first pregnancies as I was before she was born, but I am still jealous of people who have kids when they want. What drives me nuts though is when people make those joking negative comments about their kids. I know they don't mean them, but I always want to scream you are so lucky to have your kids!