Friday, 29 June 2012

Wedding etiquette post #1

I went through a big phase where I wasn't very keen on being very close to pregnant people and babies. For most of that, it wasn't the actual pregnant people and babies themselves that were the problem, it was that I found it incredibly painful to chat about related subjects, and field the inevitable questions about when we were having one ourselves. So I understand why people might not want a baby at their wedding.

I also understand that they might not want children generally on their wedding because of general noise and distraction.

So, I'm not someone who gets upset if their child can't be brought along.

But, on the other hand, on a purely practical basis, logistics mean that it's difficult to go along to a wedding without a tiny baby. Sometimes little babies get around the 'no children' rule because of this. And I think most of the time small-baby-bans might be because the happy couple don't know that it's really awkward to leave a tiny baby behind, rather than because they've got ishoos.

Anyway, as you've probably gathered, one of my husband's friends is getting married, it's a fairly small affair and no children. It runs from midafternoon to late.

 We'd like to go, but the Boy needs fed every 3-4 hours (possibly less frequently by the time of the wedding, but we don't what his feeding habits will be by then).

My husband doesn't want to go on his own because he doesn't know anyone apart from the couple. I can pump, but not enough for the whole day. Well, I could pump for the whole day, but it would take a few weeks to produce enough.

We could book into a hotel at the venue, but then that's expensive. And it still doesn't get around the fact that we'd not be there as a couple, as one of us would need to be with the baby.

We can't attempt to invite the baby along as that's bad form - or worse, just turn up with him! - but then, we don't want it to look like we're using the baby as an excuse not to go.

Aaargh! We can go to the ceremony, anyway. And it's a shame we'll miss the rest of it, but then, having a curtailed social life is part of the deal at the moment!

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Any way the wind blows

My Mum claims she can diagnose why the Boy is crying over the phone. Usually it's hunger, but last night, it was 'wind'.

'Wind' is a mysterious ailment. I don't really know what it is, and I'm reluctant to ask because my Mum already enjoys feeling superior about her parenting experience as it is. As far as I can tell, its sort of the "maybe if you just relax" of the baby crying world. In that people want to strangle you when you suggest it. Because it may or may not help, and anyway, there's nothing you can do about it.

 I think it's sort-of related to burping babies. But the Boy feeds, has a couple of burps, and then is happy. I think 'wind' is a vaguer concept than burps or farts. It sort of lends the idea that there is air floating about in your baby that is mysteriously making it unhappy.

We've found that the Boy's crying can usually be resolved by feeding, a nappy change, or cuddles. The worst of times, so far, have been during his growth spurts - he wanted fed constantly and screamed with frenzied hunger when I tried to put him down for five minutes to use the toilet, get a cup of tea, Google nipple transplants.

Which makes me think that this wind business is an old-fashioned idea from when all babies got formula and were fed at set times. As well as needing to be burped more, they probably got hungry during growth spurts, which may not have entirely coincided with the times when their feeds were increased, but their crying was ascribed to the mysterious wind. That's my theory, anyway.

I was considering telling my Mum this, but she won't listen. Because I am her baby, and she will ascribe any complaints to wind...

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Facebook and parenting post-IF

When I was going through treatments and losses, I hated, hated, hated anything on Facebook about other people's kids and pregnancies. It started off with not liking sonograph photos. On very bad days, I didn't want a reminder that anyone, anywhere, could do what I couldn't do and reproduce. Which was a bit extreme, and I realised it myself.

But I promised myself that, if I ever got to the other side, I'd never be one of those awful Facebook baby bores.You know the kind of which I speak.

I've tried to stick to this. Obviously I post some stuff about the Boy, as it would be a bit odd otherwise! But I try not to post about him all the time, although it is tempting. It's also temping to post every single photo we've taken of him online, to show off. However, that's a road I don't want to go down for several reasons - so we're sticking to showing them to Granny and Grandpa.

 Other rules I think are sensible are:

First and foremost, and more seriously than the rest, do not be offended if anyone going through infertility and losses doesn't comment on your pregnancy or baby-related Facebook photos or comments. Definitely, defintely don't use Facebook to try and show them how cute your baby is and provoke a response. The reaction you're looking for is unlikely to be the one you'll get.

No poo. My Facebook buddies don't need to know about the colour and consistency of my baby's poo. The audience this sort of information should be shared with is very limited. And definitely no pictures of poo. It's gross, and would you be happy if all your mother's friends had seen pictures of your dumps? No.

No photos in bed or scantily clad with your baby - anything that's an attempt at an 'intimate' shot. If you were a tall, muscular, tanned, beautiful thing, then you just might get away with an Athena Man/Woman type pose. But let's face it, you're not. So don't try, unless you want all your friends to snigger at you from behind their monitors.

No excess sentimentality. Ok, you might get away with being gushing once or twice. But any more than that and it gets a bit embarrassing. This rule is also good for spouses and pets (actually, all of these are good for spouses and pets, it's just that you're unlikely to post pictures of your dog's or husband's faeces online).

No feeding photos. If you're breastfeeding, it looks like you're making some sort of enormously self-important statement. If you're bottle feeding then it probably invites judgement, or is a bit dull, really. And besides which, very few people, babies included, look cute with their mouths full.

No stupid chain statuses. You know, the "I clean up vom and poo and work 24 hours and never get any time off, because I am a MOMMEEE!" I mean, I know parents put in a lot of work to their kids, and those 3am wakeup calls (or, particularly, the 5am wakeup call that follows) can be hard going. But is a tacky cut'n'paste status  to (apparently) let everyone know you're a smug martyr really the best way of dealing with the long, lonely nights?

So, those are my Facebook rules. Does anyone else have any?

Monday, 25 June 2012

A new start

My name is Sushigirl and I am infertile. At least, in the normal, not-requiring-fuckloads-of-meds-procedures-and-money-to-get-pregnant sense of the word.

I'm also (finally) a parent. It took lots of IVF, three losses, and I lost both my tubes to ectopic pregnancies, but we eventually got there.

I used to run a different blog, but it ended up not being for public consumption, for reasons of anonymity. I'm hoping some of the friends I lost when I went private will find me here.

I thought about stopping blogging after my baby was born. However, I realised I still had a lot that I wanted to write about.

But then, there'll also be stuff about the Boy too, although hopefully nothing to difficult for anyone who is still stuck ttc - or left treatments behind - to read. I always found that some parenting-post-IVF blogs were much easier to read than others.