AWOL

It's been a while since I have blogged and much has happened. The Boy is doing fine - very well, actually.

A lot of it terribly dull stuff with work, which I won't bore you with.

But I lie. Some of it is worth blogging about. The organisation I work for, I used to love - let us call it International Woodlouse Survival (it's not, but you get the idea).

I believed in the aims and really bought into the ethos, and indeed, for many years, there was little that I would not do in the name of promoting the woodlice. Trek to the other side of the country in my own time to talk to people about the values of woodlice? No bother. Give up every weekend for a month to fight for the Save the Woodlice by election candidate? You betcha.

The years went on and, while my career didn't exactly blossom - other people who I suspect are better at self promotion but less devoted to woodlice advanced ahead of me, but at least I felt I was doing some good in the world.

However, I noticed that when I was having miscarriages and ectopics and IVF and was generally unable to be gung ho, that people weren't very sympathetic and almost seemed to take it as a sign of weakness that I wasn't doing enough for Woodlouse Survival.

What do you mean, you can't run a stall because you've just had a miscarriage? There are woodlice to be saved! Take six weeks after an operation to remove an ectopic? Think how many thousands of lice will die because of your half-arsedness.

I also thought that it was just that thing you sometimes get where people are frightened of infertility or pregnancy loss. But even since I've had the Boy, I sense there is much pressure on me to not just do my job, but to do everything I used to do when I had fewer commitments. And for now and forever, the Boy is more important than woodlice.

 But circumstances were such that I have had to get on with things, albeit being increasingly disillusioned with woodlice, and dubious about whether or not promoting them actually does any good. I think if I'd been cut a little more slack I would have been more enthusiastic, despite all my problems, but some people I work with being pushy has only served to make me feel very weary.

Anyway, I've noticed the evil side of the Woodlice People with my FIL - he volunteered for the same organisation and some of his colleagues have, horrendously, tried to use his death as an opportunity for self promotion.

One of them actually stagecrashed his funeral to give a eulogy they'd planned but hadn't asked anyone in the family's permission to give. It was along the lines of "FIL was a really good guy. He cared about woodlice. He knew I cared about woodlice too. Aren't I just fabulous!?". It gave me a bad feeling about woodlice, overall.

So I'm trying to remember that, as well as fuckwits, I have met many good friends who I have met through the woodlouse cause. They are not all pushy arses who would sell their grannies for a nice stone to sit under.

I still feel I have lost my previous devotion to the interests of woodlice, and may never get it back. In fact, I want to ditch the whole thing and concentrate on something else. Every time I try to find that old enthusiasm and, for example, arrange a fundraising barndance for woodlice, I find I'm working with self important people who make me want to scream.

So I think my woodlice career is over and I should find something else to do. Apart from anything else, I think it's quite telling that, when I was trying to pluck out a random thing out of the ether to use as an analogy for the organisation I work for, at the start of this post, I picked woodlice. I hate woodlice...