Tuesday, 18 June 2013

The conveyor belt

Our last visit from father in law was hard work. He spent the best part of his waking hours plonked on our sofa, not stirring to make himself a cup of tea. He went on a rant about "pa**is" and "Asians", which I was appalled about (and was even more appalled that my husband didn't pull him up). The Boy had visited his house a few weeks before when it transpired that he was fully in the knowledge that his house had mice, although denied they left any droppings; it genuinely didn't seem to have occurred to him that we might not want the Boy crawling around a house with mice. After we dropped him at the station I had a massive row with my husband.

My father in law died last week. Suddenly, of a heart attack.

I feel a mixture of emotions. I'll miss him - he had become increasingly difficult over the past couple of years, and I need to make an effort to remember him before that.

I also feel slightly relieved that we didn't have it out with him about the racist language (not to make excuses, but he was from a small town, and a different generation, where that sort of thing was more widely accepted).

Also, if I'm being honest, I'm relieved that we don't have the worry of him getting ill and needing long term care, which he would have hated.

But we're got an awful lot to sort out, too. We already have quite a lot on our own plates, and now this summer is going to be spent, in part, travelling to the other end of the country to work on de-junking the endless amount of stuff that has been hoarded in my husband's old home.

More importantly, I guess, is the emotional side. My job is to help my husband however I can. His mother died a while back too, and a lot of the burden of sorting things out will fall to him.

It's funny - with the IVF and miscarriages and everything, they changed me, but I didn't feel older. This has made me feel older, like we're sliding into middle age. The generational balance of our family has shifted with his passing.


  1. This generational balance thing is so weird.... and also very differenr between me and my DP. He does tax and computer stuff for his parents, while my father helps me with my tax. Also with the renovation we rely on my parents.
    Some blogs I read of people around 38 are only just losing their grandparents, but losing parents is starting around us too.
    Hope that in the midst of junk you will find some lovely memories too.

  2. I can understand your conflicting emotions, and I'm very sorry for your husband. Yes, losing parents does make you feel old! (Tho' you're only a spring chicken compared to some of us, you know.)

  3. Sorry to hear about your father-in-law and hope your husband is doing as well as can be expected. I think it's that idea that no matter how independent you have been for however long, that now you have to be independent because that safety net is gone that really makes you feel old.

  4. I'm so sorry for your husband's and your loss.