Schrodinger's pish stick

I've been getting sick in the mornings. I know, I know, that this is from the progesterone more than anything else. But still, at 3 days post transfer, I cracked and decided to pee on a stick. It was negative.

I hate the waiting. I don't think I've ever had a cycle where a negative turned out to be a positive a few days later.

And, I don't know if this is just because I'm getting a bit older - although not, apparently, any wiser about early testing - but the drugs feel awful this time around. In addition to the weeping I'm also getting spots everywhere - my face, my scalp... urgh.

But at the moment I am neither pregnant nor not pregnant.

I've also been arguing with my husband a lot. He's been preoccupied with lots of other things, which we've been talking about more than the cycle. But I'm getting really fucked off with him hiding upstairs on his computer while I sit downstairs with a thumping headache, fielding questions about trains and atoms from the Boy.

Tonight's row was at dinnertime, because I was trying to put together a plan B if this cycle doesn't work. I find this is immensely helpful. It means if the cycle doesn't work I'm not totally pulling myself up off the floor, I've got something positive to focus on. Normally it involves booking a holiday or, more generally, having something lined up to look forward to.

So I was talking to him about holidays and generally trying to make myself feel like it wouldn't be quite so shit if this cycle doesn't pan out, and then he came out with "Oh, but it might still work this time".

I felt like stabbing him with my fork.

I think his point of view is that the drugs are driving me up the wall, that we're maybe doing this too soon after the miscarriage and we need a good long break after this cycle. And that we're going to a kiddie theme park near a big post-industrial city in a few weeks so I should be content.

Mine is that the drugs are making me feel like shit, but in order to cope with this I need him to be a bit more supportive and actually come up with plans and suggestions that aren't as a result of me prodding him. I am not getting any younger, I hate the limbo of treatments, and I need a more definite timescale for career purposes, and, more importantly, the more you can ignore the emotional trauma and just do cycles the more likely it is that IVF will work. And yes, a break would be nice but it needs to be something a bit more life affirming than what we've got planned so far.

>>>> Later notes <<<<

I feel a bit unreasonable for some of the stuff I was moaning about. The whole point of IVF is that you get to do stuff with your kids, after all, and even if I wouldn't choose to spend a day in a children's theme park normally, I'm sure it'll be lovely memories for us and the Boy.

We also had a big talk and hopefully he'll be a bit more supportive from now on.