Mean girl

I had a think about what to do about the book. I'd posted my not-mentally-ill sister her copy. I was considering calling my Dad.

And then I thought "Fuck it."

I think one of the reasons I got stuck so badly in the middle of things when I was 14-15 is that no-one stuck up for me then, and I was too frightened to really have it out with my mother. She'd usually send my father in to soften me up and then shout at me when I was on my own.

I think any relationship dynamics can get stuck in an unhappy rut if people fail in the same way all the time. I couldn't force anyone else to say my piece for me but I sure as hell could say it myself.

Given she's abroad, I texted her saying how upset I was that I'd been told it was a book about my mother's childhood but literally half of it was about my brother dying, how I didn't want any of it going online, and that she shouldn't be sending all this stuff to my ill sister. And that I didn't want to be in the book or have anything to do with it, and I thought she needed to see a counsellor.

True to form, I got a reply from my father saying I'd been too hard on her.

Rather than being softened up, I said it had all been bad enough the first time and I couldn't stop myself being dragged into it as a teenager, but it wasn't happening to me as an adult.

Dad then called - the line was terrible so we could hardly speak - and he said they're not publishing it but it will be an "internal family document". I tried to say I wasn't actually happy with this either but he couldn't hear me. He is calling tomorrow.

I found out later that my mother had called both my sisters and told them not to read the book, and that she "hadn't handled things very well". But that I'd been nasty to her.

Both my sisters have said they were glad I'd stood up to her (I think partly because it'd saved them the trouble), and that they were happy the self publication had been knocked on the head. Neither of them have read it; my ill sister deleted it, as I've said, but my other sister was dreading reading it.

I'd actually quite like an apology for her lying to me about the subject of the book. What she'll probably do is try and get me on my own when I'm feeling vulnerable and have a go at me (she once walked in on me when I was leaving the shower), although I hope this will be more daunting than it once was.

Anyway, Mum is upset, and while I wish the choice wasn't between upsetting her and going along with such a batshit and upsetting scheme, it was. And I think she really needs to consider why her behaviour was upsetting everyone else and why she thinks that's alright but her being upset isn't.

Ooh, the dramz! I'm going to have a nice cup of tea. I'm feeling much better about this than I was a couple of days ago.