Just like when I was struggling to have my first, everyone was pregnant, now my thoughts are turning towards possibly having a second, everyone else seems to be having a decision about either having, not having or possibly going for #2.
The thing is, pre the Boy, I was desperate to be pregnant. I would have done anything. But this decision seems more complex.
Reasons to go ahead are mainly that I think it would be better for the Boy to have a sibling, and that I don't feel my family is complete.
Reasons not to go ahead are that - and I don't know if this is bad to admit - IVF, apart from the cost, is so much fucking hassle. Traipsing to and from the doctor, trying to figure out what to do with the Boy, drugs in the bathroom, drugs in the fridge, giving up coffee and wine, all for a very uncertain outcome.
* the money we could spend on a really good holiday
* the possible long term health consequences
* I'm not even prepared to attempt a natural birth so will my stomach overhang end up at my shins? (let's face it, with hindsight, the NHS should have fitted a zip during my first ectopic, the number of times they've been in there)
*is it good for the Boy or me for me to do something as energy sapping as IVF while he's little?
* The dubious pleasures of staycations for the next 16 or so years
Most of the reasons against seem short term or a bit silly. The Boy having a sibling seems so much bigger.
But then I also feel very lucky in the first place, and almost greedy thinking about a second. And, in a way, I feel a bit envious for people who are at peace to stop.
Although, I don't think the "at peace with stopping" thing is neccessarily IF related, although it might make it more acute. I felt a bit grumpy the other day when someone announced their second pregnancy, irrationally, even although we haven't finished unpacking boxes yet.
I think what we might do is try but have some sort of limit, either financial or on the number of attempts. While during the last round I would have pretty much done anything to get and stay pregnant, this time would be different.
But we'll see - I still need to talk to my husband.
Oddly, even after having no tubes, I still occasionally wonder if I should do a pregnancy test if my period is late. It is difficult making a decision about an area of my life that's so steeped in irrationality!