Just like when I was struggling to have my first, everyone was pregnant, now my thoughts are turning towards possibly having a second, everyone else seems to be having a decision about either having, not having or possibly going for #2.
The thing is, pre the Boy, I was desperate to be pregnant. I would have done anything. But this decision seems more complex.
Reasons to go ahead are mainly that I think it would be better for the Boy to have a sibling, and that I don't feel my family is complete.
Reasons not to go ahead are that - and I don't know if this is bad to admit - IVF, apart from the cost, is so much fucking hassle. Traipsing to and from the doctor, trying to figure out what to do with the Boy, drugs in the bathroom, drugs in the fridge, giving up coffee and wine, all for a very uncertain outcome.
Then there's
* the money we could spend on a really good holiday
* the possible long term health consequences
* I'm not even prepared to attempt a natural birth so will my stomach overhang end up at my shins? (let's face it, with hindsight, the NHS should have fitted a zip during my first ectopic, the number of times they've been in there)
*is it good for the Boy or me for me to do something as energy sapping as IVF while he's little?
* The dubious pleasures of staycations for the next 16 or so years
Most of the reasons against seem short term or a bit silly. The Boy having a sibling seems so much bigger.
But then I also feel very lucky in the first place, and almost greedy thinking about a second. And, in a way, I feel a bit envious for people who are at peace to stop.
Although, I don't think the "at peace with stopping" thing is neccessarily IF related, although it might make it more acute. I felt a bit grumpy the other day when someone announced their second pregnancy, irrationally, even although we haven't finished unpacking boxes yet.
I think what we might do is try but have some sort of limit, either financial or on the number of attempts. While during the last round I would have pretty much done anything to get and stay pregnant, this time would be different.
But we'll see - I still need to talk to my husband.
Oddly, even after having no tubes, I still occasionally wonder if I should do a pregnancy test if my period is late. It is difficult making a decision about an area of my life that's so steeped in irrationality!
I can imagine how confusing this all is. I know my sister feels sad that she can't give her daughter a sibling. But then there are plenty of people who didn't have siblings who had perfectly happy childhoods, and others who aren't on speaking terms with their siblings, so ... I guess there are no guarantees. And that's the hard thing, and probably why you find it hard when others announce their pregnancies. Because after IF, you know that nothing is guaranteed. And you know all the downsides of IF and IVF on top of that. I don't wish this decision on you. Whatever you decide though, I know it will be in the interests of your family - all of you.
ReplyDeletelucky..greedy...envious... I'm with you there. And what is worse, I'm even with you on the " I still need to talk to my husband".
ReplyDeleteOh well, I guess that is part of what a blog is for, practice the conversation, finding words, putting thoughts in order.
Not so sure about the sibling bit, I think that might be overrated. The family complete feeling seems much more important to me.
When DP's boys were little I was always verrrry tired from their sibling rivalry. And what Mali said, I don't think there is a way to predict how siblings will work out, I've heard anything from utter love to policing every contact.
I think the stress of going through treatment for a second time will be different though: you will not end up childless anymore.
Another reason for me to go ahead would be to make sure I had no lingering doubts, no regrets of not having tried harder later
on another note: did you (un)publish a post a-big-otter-did-it-and-ran-away. ?
ReplyDeleteit showed up in the bloglist, but not on your blogspot page.
Confusing!
if you want to answer but not on your blog you can always email me on valeryvalentina at gmail dot com
Thanks both of you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a big thing to try and sort through - I thought I was getting there until something much bigger landed on the doorstep!